G'day mates!
This is Lauren, here to assist Mara in accurately describing some pretty horrific events that happened to us today.
It all happened when we saw a sign advertising a new "boutique" hotel, with beds starting as cheap as 20 dollars. That was enough to send us running! Sign us up!
We enter the "hotel" wide-eyed and eager. Innocent, if you will. We soon lost our innocense.
20 dollars a night, a dorm of 10. We should have known something was fishy when the receptionist refused to show the room to us before we paid.
We climb up the rickity stairs. We are used to dorms. We do not have high expectations. But we were not prepared for dorm room 204. It is 10 am.
Mara enters first. Lauren quickly follows suit. People are still sleeping, so the room is dimly lit and it is hard to see. Once the door closed behind us with a bang, we recognize the stench. Mara's nose hairs stand on end. It smells as if 10 boys have been locked in this room for weeks on end-- eating, sleeping, sweating, belching, farting. Our eyes finally adjust to the dark, and we begin to see where we are. Our eyes frantically look around the tiny room, crammed with 5 bunk beds. The only available bed for Mara has complimentary two half filled soda bottles and suspicious looking sheets. We see every manner of refuse. The trash overflows. Ramen noodles crunch underfoot. Mara keeps tripping on someone's plate, whilst groggy backpackers, wasted from the night before, roll over, groan, and go back into their smelly stupor of sleep. What looks like weeks of dirty laundry carpets the floor, leaving only a small circle upon which we dump our bags. We realize, with horror, that there are no windows to be found, and it is likely that the last time this room received fresh air was somewhere around 1905. We just may suffocate. At this point, we are focused on survival. We need to leave the room as soon as possible. We bolt, abandoning our packs like downed men in a battlefield, taking only the necessities. Money, passport, hand sanitizer. We gasp for air in the hallway, not sure where to begin, how to describe our experience. What to do next.
Mara: (look of utter horror)
Lauren: (Shock. Confusion.)
Mara:...So.
Lauren:...Yeah.
Mara: That place smells like dirty ass.
Lauren: (laughter)...I am in shock. Still.
Mara: Ass. It smells like ass.
Lauren: Focus. What are our options?
Mara: Ass.
Lauren: Get yourself together! We can't stay in there.
Mara: I feel so bad for our bags. We just abandoned them in there. How can we be so cruel?
Lauren: You have a ramen noodle stuck in your hair.
After a few moments of somewhat less-toxic air filling our lungs, we were able to rally together to demand a change of room. A man who escaped from the Room Where Cleanliness Goes to Die sees us changing rooms, and whispers to the receptionist about us: "They were terrified."
When we went back to retreive our bags, we hold our noses before entering the heart of darkness once more. Mara whispers: "I feel like we are on a rescue mission."
We are currently working on our expose of this hostel, working on backpacker unionizing and rights, and worrying that we still retain remnents of dirty ass smell on our clothes. Pictures soon to follow.
The moral of this story is that if you find a hostel that is suspiciously cheap, it is because it is a public sanitation nightmare. Backpackers--UNITE!